The Crystal Method – Tweekend

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The Crystal Method has been written off as inferior carbon copies of Big Beat, and also that they did a ‘dumb, American version of it’. Snobbish people had to convince themselves that the Prodigy made profound music involving social commentary and existential questions when in reality they did nothing but really, really catchy noise. At first this label of the Crystal Method is a bit deserved. Their debut is a collection of cool Breaks with some funky Sci-Fi sounds. It had a cool sound, but few songs. Here, though, they truly come together and cement themselves as canonical in the electronic genre. Tweekend is one of the reasons why Big Beat remains EDM’s best genre.

Since by now every artist in the genre cemented their sound – Prodigy with their loud rocking, Fatboy Slim with his smoothness, Chemical Brothers with their genre-bending, Crystal Method had to find some kind of shtick that makes them unique. The whole ‘simple breaks and cool sounds’ was rendered irrelevant in ChemBros’ debut, where they converted it into some of music’s best 30 seconds. So they try to find a new, defining sound here – and they mostly succeed.

They still sound like newcomers, but not in the bad way. It’s obvious their sources of inspiration include the aforementioned artists, not just the genres influencing Big Beat. You get here a more clearer picture of what Big Beat is, and why every soda pop commercial wanted this kind of music. Whereas the Prodigy made Breakbeat fueled by guitar noise, Crystal Method seeked the specific kinetic energy that the genres happened to create. The originators were inspired by other genres. Here, Crystal Method are directly inspired by the originators.

That’s the main distinction between this album and their debut. Now they don’t just want to bang, but to make music that works like a martial arts scene or a car race. It’s music that was made for video games of that era, when violence was cartoonish, cars were fast (and possibly shot rockets) and everything was larger than life. It’s the end of the retro-future. Our image of the future and technological development wasn’t of peace but of combat and lasers, but boy do we like it. The album cover fits the atmosphere of it, watching a world becoming more technological and being okay with it.

At this point you can compare it to Electro-Industrial, and Big Beat always shared similar sounds and influence – and an ability to fit ideally most video games and movies. Oh, and yes, composers were stupid enough not to ask the dudes from Front Line Assembly to score The Matrix. Whereas the Industrial movement was scared of that future, this music jumps into it. It’s inevitable, so we might as well party.

That’s why it manages to have a fairly aggressive, macho sound without copying the Prodigy’s rebel punk antics. A funky bounce is underneath most of the songs, even the noise blast that is “Name of the Game”. There they let Ryu rap about how awesome he is over Morello’s riffing. Aside from being a fantastic idea for a song, the bass is deep and womping underneath all that noise. On some tracks the funk is more prominent – if you can sit still to “Roll It Up”, you may want to check things with your doctor.

It’s funny that they were branded as a dumber American dumbing down, since they actually play more with atmosphere than most Big Beat artists. In fact, they lead back to Progressive House than any other in the genre. “Roll It Up” and “Blowout” have a continous structure and a looping beat that threatens to last forver. There are few actual riffs here, sometimes appearing on songs like “Murder” and “PHD” but serving the beat rather than taking the center stage. Many of the sounds here surrounded and engulf the listener rather than pound into it.

What was seen as ‘dumb American’ is just the band getting the essence of Big Beat, if not exactly making the best album in the genre. Then again their competition includes ChemBros, so it’s by nature difficult. This album distills Big Beat from the outside influence, keeping what’s important – Hip-Hop breaks, a Funk bounce, Techno structures and the aggression of Rock. That still gives them a lot of room to move even if they never threaten to break away, but what great songs – “PHD” with its slower funk, “Roll It Up” in how spacey it sounds, “Murder” gives a badass melodic hook and “Over the Line” shows they can also be beautiful and more introspective. Being raised on albums like these made me wonder why EDM isn’t supposed to be an ‘album genre’. Even the weakest tracks like “The Winner” still bang. Perhaps you can cut a minute here and a minute there, but this is one of those “If you don’t like it, you’re no fun” albums.

3.5 murders out of 5

Fuck That Noise: Bruno Mars, The Weeknd and Ballads By Macho Men

Bruno Mars’ single, “24K Magic”, is badass. Mars doesn’t so much sing as he speaks throughout the song with every line meaning the same thing. He’s cool, he knows how to party and has women. The latter is especially important, because we live in a new feminist world where attractive guys are still allowed to flaunt their women like dollar bills. He’s so confident that, really, why attempt a chorus? The first spin of “24K Magic” makes it sound more like a spoken word track over a Synthfunk backing rather than an actual Pop song. It’s one of the year’s best songs.

It’s also a game-changer for Bruno Mars. From here on out, the only reaction to his ballads is ‘fuck that noise’.

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The Weeknd poses for his philosophy book

Music is acting. I don’t care who you are in real life. What’s important in music is that the character you play in your music is believable, and will somehow makes sense when we connect the songs. Eminem is unconvincing because he’s at one point mocking Pop music, whines about people not liking him and then makes a song with Sia. Ian Watkins is an all-around terrible person, but the sound of “Rooftops” didn’t change just because we discovered he’s a pedophile.

Balancing bragging tracks with ballads is tough. We all experienced the highs and lows of life, but you need to connect these two. If your character is sad, I need to believe this sadness is real and is relevant despite all the parties you had. It’s especially tough to come off as vulnerable or sensitive when a second ago you bragged how much sex you have and how all the women want you.

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I don’t think this is what you do with crosses

The Weeknd also released a song with a similar vibe, but “Starboy” is vastly different in demeanor and content. The Weekend also brags about having a lot of sex and a lot of money. He explicitly says he has a girlfriend and a mistress, both of which are out of your league. Along with bragging about cars, it’s obvious Weeknd’s life is overall quite kickin’.

What’s different is the context. Bruno Mars is carefree and happy in “24K Magic”, and only brags about how good his life is. You can understand nothing else about Mars, other than that he’s probably an inconsiderate asshole outside having fun. A line like “Bad bitches and ya ugly ass friends” promises great sex and treating you like dirt. Weeknd, however, is so dark that it’s obvious there’s something wrong with him despie how much he parties.

The Weeknd starts off his song with “I want to put you in the worst mood”. Already, this song is more than just bragging. He wants you to feel bad, he needs others’ jealousy so he could feel good about himself. Instead of the social butterfly who’s inconsiderate, Weeknd’s song is upfront about how pain exists in our world (and he wants to cause it). When he proceeeds in the verse to brag, it’s always about how his good things should make you feel bad. The line about using drugs to kill any pain makes it obvious that Weeknd does have a shitty day and needs to do things about him. The line “We don’t pray for love, we just pray for cars” is quite nihilistic, expressing a dark worldview of retreating to materialism.

Musically, “24K Magic” is a straight-up banger with funky backing, a great bassline and a synth that farts all the way. It only contains happiness. “Starboy”‘s drums are colder and jittery. It’s also more sparse, almost sounding like Joy Division tweeked for the dance floor. By the time drums kick in the chorus, they’re aggressive. You can party to it – it’s even recommended since it’s also brilliant – but it’s not happy-go-lucky and it’s more suitable to planning revenge than celebrating your anniversary with a significant other.

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Ain’t no fun if the guys don’t get naked too

These differences make me react so differently to the ballads. When Bruno Mars put out “Versace on the Floor”, I could think in terms of ‘fuck that noise’ and ‘are women still fooled by this?’. A little before, Mars was a social butterfly who didn’t care about anyone. He was the person you invited to the party, but once everyone had too much to drink and talk about life he gets kicked out. He’s the guy who never holds a conversation but only screams jokes If Mars will be accused of raping a 16-year-old, I wouldn’t be surprised. Okay, I wouldn’t be surprised over any musician, but Mars is definitely in the top of musicians who have the highest chances of doing it.

I can’t connect the two. If “24K Magic” was less aggressive, more akin to Radical Something’s anthems of summer then it’d be different. Mars’ cocky aggression is integral to why his ballads doesn’t work. The line “Bad bitches and ya ugly ass friends” paint a picture of a guy women love so much he can afford to treat them bad without realizing it. Just ask Dessa. Neve in “24K Magic” do we hear a person who’s fun to be around, but a person who has a lot fun. It’s the type of person who fucks women instead of having sex.

When the Weeknd shows up his vulnerable side, it’s believable. He takes the dark side of “Starboy” and expands it, or takes the small cracks and zooms into them. “All I Know” is believable because it’s a direct contrast to “Starboy” instead of being unrelated. It was what he tried to hide so hard by bragging about praying for cars. “Secrets” is the flipside, with Weeknd being the man pining after the woman who has all the guys.

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About as romantic as quoting Gamergate supporters.

They also sing their ballads differently. “Versace on the Floor” is full of vocal acrobatics. Vocal acrobatics are impressive and a great way to terminate your acting abilities. Since they point out you’re actually a singer, you forget about the mood and the content. “Versace” is less about having time with a girl and more about seducing a girl using the promise of romance just to ditch her (Ed Sheeran’s character does it all the time). Shifting singing styles so radically only serves to show you were acting all along. Weeknd always sings as Starboy and never tries to show off. Imagine “Belong to the World” if Weeknd sang it like Mars. Actually, it would probably still be good because of the lyrics.

Perhaps it has something to do with me being a guy, but then again I consider Lostprophets’ “Rooftops” to be a highlight in music history. That song was made by your worst nightmare, a guy so sexy he could do anything he want and have women supporting him. Watkins never did Mars’ vocal acrobatics there. When it explodes, he screams more than sings and that’s crucial. Of course, good actors are also the best at sexual abuse, so maybe Mars isn’t that in person after all. I don’t know. All I know is that, as an actor, he’s horrible. Give me songs like “24k Magic” any day, because, from him, songs like “Just the Way You Are” makes me worry what happens backstage. I shouldn’t, since there’s always a good reason to worry about things happening backstage.

If that’s not enough, listen to “Versace” while watching the video for “24K Magic”. Tell me how different he is from how Nice Guys(tm) describe your boyfriend.

AlunaGeorge – I Remember

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This album should be huge. It’s not obscure by any means, with Wikipedia listing at least 9 sites that reviewed it. Still, none of these songs were familiar to me. Even if you don’t listen to the radio daily, you will end up hearing “This is What You Came For” or whatever crap Sia is vomiting. So why is my only previous experience with these guys is a feature on a Jack U single, that I only heard about because I’m a Skrillex fanboy?

This isn’t a fanboy ranting about his favorite band. I love Little Boots, but her style is too subdued for mainstream success. AlunaGeorge, however, sum up the sounds of the all big hits on the radio. In and of itself, it’s neutral since hits on the radio tend to go from horrifingly bad (“The Greatest”), to awesome (“Sugar”), to okay (“How Deep Is Your Love”) and future classics (The Weeknd in general). What’s amazing is how AlunaGeorge get it right. I’m not snobbish. I can imagine all the sounds on the radio forming to create a decent song. It’s just that every time I imagine the existence of such a song, it ends up sounding like “Mean What I Mean”.

I mention that song specifically, and not just because its hook is killer. Female empowerment is topical now, and it’s another song about bragging about rejecting unattractive guys. Such songs can be obnoxious, especially if the topic takes over the message. Just look at Meghan Trainor’s “No”. AlunaGeorge just turn it to stomping, cocky Pop song full of real confidence. Aluna sounds more confident than trying to impress. Two rappers are featured in it, they’re absolutely boring but Aluna is so good it’s easy to forget them.

Aluna is a an excellent vocalist. George supplies plenty of banging beats, but Aluna sings exactly how Pop singers should. She never stretches her voice, always letting the melody drive the song. It’s not subduing your personality, but understanding that vocal acrobatics only impressive non-musical people. She has plenty of personality – else she wouldn’t be able to pass off “Mean What I Mean” so well – she just never lets it get in the way of the song. Her singing is closer in style to Little Boots. If her personality doesn’t come out of one song, it does come out from a full album.

Personality-wise, she’s like CHVRCHES’ Lauren more fun-loving sister. Although her voice has a childish tint to it, the songs often have an aggressive, determined edge to them. “Mean What I Mean”, “Jealous” and especially “Not About Love” have an aggressive edge to them. The lattermost especially has CHVRCHES-worthy lyrics of dismissing a former lover. It’s all sang with a bit of placidity, like Aluna actually is above it all. That makes her sound far stronger than all her peers. Even “I’m In Control” sounds confrontational.

Although there are a lot of collaborations here, there’s still a uniform sound and concept. “Mediator” may use live drums and “I’m In Control” jumps on the tropical moombahton thing, but it never sounds schizophrenic. I’m not sure it was supposed to. The whole thing plays like a party record, moving from mood to mood without trying to alienate the audience. Even the sequencing supports it, with the bass-heavy “My Blood” and “Full Swing” stuck at the beginning while the middle has the more House-influenced “I’m In Control” and “Jealous”. The sounds occasionally change, but the purpose remains the same. It speaks volume of Aluna’s personality that it all sounds like products of their own. Instead of jumping on trends, the duo just destroys everyone else who does the same thing.

There were times when Pop music was the butt of critics, when this sort of party music was scoffed compared to ‘serious art’, like Dream Theater. I don’t know if albums like these changed people minds or we simply all grew up. Nevertheless, it’s a great example of how contemporary music is in no competition against ‘the old classic stuff’. We’re talking about 12 songs with great hooks, great beats and a fantastic singer. After this, the idea that some people don’t like Pop music looks silly.

3.5 mean out of 5 mean

Aphex Twin – On

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Read about Aphex Twin and it all seems like a joke. He releases music under hundreds of aliases, puts his face in a track that has him with big breasts and in a bikini for a cover and releases an album of pure Ambient noise. Sometimes listening to him and enjoying the beauty of it feels like you’re being fooled, like there’s some kind of joke which you’re not clever enough to get so Richard serves you with accessible techno. If only you were intelligent enough, you’d realize Selected Ambient Works II was a parody, or that “Windowlicker” thing is meant to prove that Dance music is stupid.

Richard himself said he finds the tag IDM pretentious, though. So maybe he’s just really intelligent while also knowing how to have fun and enjoy pretty sounds. “On” is the definitive Aphex Twin track for that reason.

While “Windowlicker” is better, “On” is right in the middle. There is no joke here. The song consists of pretty electronic sounds over weird IDM drums that are steady enough to be danceable. Nothing about is extreme, not like the simplicity of Aphex’s debut or the emptiness of his second or the wackiness of his third.

It’s just a welcoming, warm track that defines Aphex’s approach better and makes it clear why he’s the dominating figure of IDM. In the end, he really is all about discovering and enjoying simple, pretty sounds. That puts him in contrast to Autechre and Boards of Canada, whose personalities weren’t so deceptive but more impenetrable. Autechre especially came off like two calculating geniuses so absorbed in their research of sound they forgot what’s the point of it all.

Whether “On” is one of IDM’s best tracks is a different manner. I’m too ignorant of the genre to say such a thing, but it is one of Electronic music’s best statements in how it welcomes the listener. Whatever you think of Electronic music, listen to this. It’ll give you a clearer image of the point of it all.

The EP also contains other tracks, and that’s a problem. “On” is so brilliant that the only way to include it in an album is to feature other tracks that sound like just dicking about. Aphex tries, but nothing close. It’s not like any other album by him can contain this song.

“73-Yips” comes close to being worthy. It’s a pounding, almost Industrial track that has no melody and just wants to grind the listener. If “On” is the chill out part, then “73-Yips” is a moshpit starter. The problem is it has no guts. Nearly all Aphex tracks are defined by how clear their idea is, how Richard knows exactly what kind of song he makes. “73-Yips” just doesn’t go hard enough. The sounds are loud and screeching, but it has none of the darkness of actual Industrial music. It actually feels more like a joke track, annoying the listener who enjoyed “On”‘s soft beauty.

The other two tracks are attempts at a darker Ambient, but he did it better in his first two albums. “D-Scape” is just “Tha” with slightly different sounds. “Tha” was pretty cool, but there was no need for a replica.

How come these 3 other tracks got so dull is beyond me. They’re interesting enough for one or two spins, since Richard is a talented and interesting enough producer. The safety net of IDM is that its nature means the worst track might contain interesting ideas. When your catalogue is so extensive though, average tracks quickly lose their point. Listen to “73-Yips’, and any time you need a loud Aphex track just bump whatever remix of “Ventolin” that comes up in the playlist.

Still, the EP does contain “On” and 3 b-sides Aphex Twin tracks which is never a bad thing. If only “On” had a more prominent place in his catalogue. He managed to be famous without it, but that song deserve more fame. How can anyone dislike such an innocent, welcoming song that only wants you to lay down on the beach, look at the sky and think happy thoughts? When IDM is pretty, it’s really pretty.

2.5 yips out of 5

Autechre – Anti

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It’s an interesting and important record, but that’s where the fun stuff ends. Autechre already got a massive discography, too. So if you’re just here exploring Electronic Music and What It Means, read about the Criminal Justice Bill and maybe listen to “Flutter”. The Prodigy and Orbital also addressed this topic, and the worst thing about it was that the Prodigy’s song somehow didn’t launch Pop Will Eat Itself to national recognition.

Then again, many people describe Autechre’s later works as inaccessible and their early work as sublime. To me, the less traditional Autechre are, the more interesting and listenable they are. Their music contains no recognizable human emotions. I remember “Clipper” working especially well because I was tired of feeling like a human. I wanted something that sounded born of machinery, but not the machinery representing human flaws, like Front Line Assembly does. Autechre’s music, at their best, paint a world of only abstract shapes and no humans.

Of course they have no business doing Dance music. I have no idea what people are talking about when they mention that the first two tracks are club-friendly. “Lost” has echoing drums that sound more full of distress than fun. Dance music can be aggressive or anxious or angry, but it’s about release and immediacy. Autechre never actually create a groove. Their music is too detached and scared of human emotions for this. “Lost” doesn’t actually sound like a club track to me, but like the repetitive thoughts of a wallflower with a bad case of social anxiety. It acknowledges people dance, but if it’ll try it will just kill the fun.

The other two are glorified demo tracks of Confield. It sounds lazy now, but this was released around the worst era of Autechre, before they got weird. These beats are more dynamic and right when you think repetitions sets in, it changes. It’s a clever trick that may be able to fool the cops, but what else is there? The sounds themselves – what Autechre does best – aren’t interesting. “Flutter”‘s beat is more skitterish and complex, but in IDM tracks need a wider difference than this. You got a gigantic sound palette and can do anything, especially when you eschew repetition. Instead, it sounds like one gigantic track that occasionally changes the rhythm.

As a political statement, perhaps it works. Perhaps a musicologist was present when “Flutter” played at a party when the cops came and explained everything. Although if anyone actually plays Autechre at a party, what you need to send is an anthropologist. He’d probably be bored though, since the music on Anti is stereotypical IDM. It’s not danceable, it has some kind of creepy, detached atmosphere and it goes on for way long because it has a lot of ‘tiny details’. Normally, I love this stuff but why would I choose any of these tracks over “Pen Expers”? That one both sounds weird, has no consistent rhythm and is actually quite a banger.

Maybe the whole Criminal Justice Bill protest thing was just an excuse to release a bunch of demos.

1.5 illegal raves out of 5

Excision – Virus

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Before we talk about the album, let’s talk about the Brostep. We all know what happened. Along came a loud genre that was popular, so people decided it was stupid. Once everyone stopped with those crappy YouTube remixes of memes, the scene flourished. Excision was integral for the scene. His Shambala mixes were highly anticipated and were a document of where it was at. His two best mixes – of the years 2013 & 2014, showed Brostep turning into something different. It was no longer about plain heaviness, but switching BPM’s and experimenting with odd sounds. When Skrillex collaborated with Justin Bieber, it was expected. That’s how wide-eyed the scene was.

Then something happened to the water all the DJ’s were drinking. Everyone took a step back to a time where it was all about cold heaviness. Never Say Die’s Black Label imprint was a leader in it, and although it had some good releases its influence was incredibly negative. The new producers forgot what made Brostep so appealing in the first place. It’s a Dance genre relying on ridiculousness. The more ridiculous your sounds are, the better it is. The new movement only emphasized some form of darkness. In some ways, it set out to be deliberately anti-Skrillex.

So the result was a lot of dull, heavy and no-fun bangers. The scene stagnated and it’s still in a problem. What should’ve happened a year after Skrillex blew up happened now. Finally, heaviness overpowered it and it’s embarrassing to hear MUST DIE!’s new song with Habstrakt. One of the most inventive producers is now doing nothing but white noise. Sure, there have been highlights. The recent experimentation with Deep House were a success, but overall the scene became monochromatic.

Virus sure feels like it should be the scene’s savior, but keep in mind Excision’s music was rarely as diverse as his mixes. In fact, he was never that diverse, not when compared to Skrillex or Knife Party or these new dudes, Barely Alive. In the current climate, there’s room to worry that Virus would be the finally nail in the coffin – showing Excision completely running out of ideas, missing the entire point and just making a lot of noise.

Thankfully, Virus is closer to getting everything right about a dance album.

In terms of sound, this is still all about brutality and noise. In fact, it’s less experimental than previous albums with no forays into new genres. Drum and Bass is barely here (Only the drumstep thing in “Rave Thing”). House is represented by “Mirror” and other than that, Excision powers through like 2013 never happened. It actually makes him sound of touch. After LAXX and Barely Alive, surely he can come up with some new sounds?

What didn’t change is Excision’s perfect understanding of the genre. Where he differs from the new boys is that there’s no posturing here, no attempt to sound cool by turning the sounds down low. In fact, Excision plays this record like 2015 never happened, either. It’s soaked in the mid-range madness of 2011, when it was all about roaring and being ridiculous. How else can you explain “Rave Thing”? It was out of place back in the 2015 mixes, where it roared and wobbled while everyone just growled. It’s a track that constantly ups the ante, that takes the most parody-esque elements and exaggerates them. As an attempt to out-Skrillex Skrillex, it’s quite brilliant.

Virus reminds me of why I love the genre it’s the first place. It’s so ridiculous, so oblivious to classy dance music. “Neck Brace” has Messinian, and he roars more than he raps. The drop imitates machine guns, but the sounds is right between midrange and low-range. “Harambe” literally stomps like a gorilla while alternating between the sounds of its 3 producers. “Throwin’ Elbows” shows Excision can still mine this style for new sounds. At this point, he doesn’t pretend to be concerned about rhythm. The drop consists of what sounds like laser beams shooting and the sound of reloading. As for “The Paradox”, it’s a brave attempt to make a defining song. Something is missing – it doesn’t as ridiculous as it should – but it would be an attention-grabber in any mix and would require an immediate change of BPM.

A dance album can’t rely on a single idea though. Even Dance artists whose genres are defined by heaviness switch it up. What’s odd is how Excision does these switches. There’s a foray to House in “Mirror” which borrows from the whole ‘bass house’ thing, but it’s not too alien. Excision is finally comfortable with guitars. They’re not sampled any more. “Throwin’ Elbows” is loud as hell, and can “Death Wish” be classified as an EDM song at all? It’s a Rap song with guitars for a chorus. Sure, there are Trap drums but the guitars play riffs.

The oddest excursions are to the sort of melodic Brostep most producers stick for tokenism. Excision now throws himself fully at them. There are 3 such tracks, and for once they have a purpose other than offering a break. “Drowning” has a glacial, sad quality to it. Compare it to “With You” which appears near the end. The former song doesn’t actually have a melody, but sound design meant to create atmosphere. “Her” has Dion Timmer’s chimpmunk vocals singing about a heartbreak over a weird drop. It’s somewhere between melodic and wobbling, creating this odd feeling of heartbreak and acceptance. It’s an odd moment of beauty that’s rare in the genre.

If you look at the tracklist you probably wonder how can you sit through 16 minutes of Brostep. It’s quite easy, actually. Making a dance album isn’t too hard. All you need to do is make sure everything bangs and there’s enough variety. All the brutal tracks bang, and there’s enough offer a break while keeping the rhythm going – “Are You Ready?” is the only attempt towards contemporary Brostep and it’s a nice stepdown, and while “Mirror” isn’t as good as his other House tracks it’s a welcome break. The only problem is putting “Harambe” as a closer, especially when “The Paradox” is right before it. The latter is epic, huge and roaring. It’s a climax. “Harambe” stomps like a mid-mix banger, a track that comes with no build-up and immediately locks you in its groove. As a closer, it’s perhaps the worst song.

Virus isn’t exactly what I want from Excision right now. I want to see the genre expanding, mixing with others and creating one of the most vibrant musical movements. Excision is still content in the midrange, but at least he backs up his obsession. When it comes to loud, midrange Brostep then all I want are tracks like “Neck Brace”, “Harambe”, “The Paradox” and “G Shit”. Hopefully, this will spread and the new riddim movement will die.

3.5 dead gorillas out of 5

Lady Gaga – Joanne

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Many will be surprised at Lady GaGa’s new sound. Yet, you could’ve predicted this album all the way back in the Fame Monster era. Sound is superficial. What’s important is demeanor and purpose. They tell you far more about what sounds the artist will try next and why they work. That’s why it wasn’t surprising Linkin Park turned out to be experimental and not Slipknot. Slipknot may have started out with more outside influence, but Linkin Park’s music truly acted like there were no genres.

What defined Lady Gaga wasn’t her sound, but her personality. As for her personality, it was one of the most insufferable you could find in Pop. It wasn’t until Sia’s 1000 Forms of Fear that Pop music had a more obnoxious, pretentious figure. Even when “LoveGame” boasted about disco sticks, all I heard was decent Pop with squicky clean vocals without personality. However, Gaga was sure this shit was profound. She supported LGBT people, which is totally radical. She had a song called “Government Hooker”, which is more bizarre for reminding me of Combichrist than that title. The music videos were long and contained ‘weird’ outfits that all boiled to seeing Lady Gaga scantly clad.

I don’t know. I found La Roux’s semi-androgynous image far weirder, with “Bulletproof” containing more punch than anything Gaga made. She surely had no guts to make something like a CHRVCHES, who made one of the most hateful songs with “Gun”. Instead, she experimented with a bunch of mainstream genres and called it ‘influencing Pop culture’. The difference between her and all other Pop singers is that they focused more on hooks, and she more on her image.

Joanne is hilarious. It’s not bad, but it’s laughable. The only thing keeping it from a self-parody is the fact it’s overall pleasant. Lady Gaga, a singer obsessed with her own image (And not the music) makes an album full of Heartland Rock in an attempt to shed her ‘image’ and become ‘real’. She’s so naive. Anyone who spent some time in music forums is over these cliches. Hell, I know 14-year-olds who listen to Thrash Metal that never had the ‘Pop isn’t music phase’. The album is retro not in sound, but in attitude. It’s a throwback to when people thought guitars were ‘real’ and electronics were not.

God, this album is pretentious. The whole thing is an attempt to sell Gaga as a ‘serious’ artist, buying into every moronic notion of how music that ‘stands the test of time’ should be. Listen to how subdued “Dancin’ in Circles”. It barely has a melody and smack in the middle Gaga breaks into a vocal acrobatic. Why would you howl like a banshee in American Idol in a lighthearted song about masturbation? On “Perfect Illusion”, she instructs the producer to turn down the drums. Although they beat like a club song, they’re anemic. If they’ll bang too hard the song might be fit for dancing, and as we know dancing is silly and moronic. Gaga performs the song with utter seriousness, making sure we’re impressed by her vocals while forgetting the lyrics are supposed to convey pain.

Lady Gaga said she wanted be an actress but music came in the way. You can feel it here. Sadly, she’s not a good actress. Music is an act, in the end. Good singers don’t just sing, but play a character. It’s far more important to sound like you mean what you say, to sound broken and angry rather than sing well. That’s why Adele is so awful, because she sounds far more concerned with impressing the audience than with venting.

As an actor, Lady Gaga is awful. She’s awful not just because she’s a bad actor, but because she can’t seem to imagine herself actually walking in those characters’ shoes. “Hello” is a lackluster act, but Adele at least sounds like she’s aware she should be believable. Lady Gaga never tries to sound genuine. Everything is dripped in insincerity, in awareness that music is just an act. “Hey Girl” has an otherwise beautiful melody, but it begs for a singer that’s less full of itself. Imagine if Carly Rae Jepsen sang it. It may not be as impressive technically, but Carly has more warmth than Gaga can ever conjure. Lady Gaga can’t divorce herself from being an actress, too afraid of jumping headfirst into genres and sounds. The irony is, the fear of being trapped leaves her without much personality or diversity.

Many of the songs are the audio equivalent of a magician explaining his tricks and while performing. Worse, it’s a pompous magician who thinks his tricks are really clever and put him above everyone else. “Sinner’s Prayer” isn’t so much about being a heartbreaker, but about Gaga’s vocal acrobatics and a token song about rambling. Lady Gaga’s overblown sense of self-importance rears its head the most in the ballads. “Million Reasons” and “Angel Down” just beg for you to take her seriously by using sparse arrangements, but for what?

The musical backdrops reek of tokenism, instead of genuine experimentation. Although she uses a few guitars, she never slides next to like Drive-By Truckers, Steeldrivers or even early Taylor Swift. You can use these sounds for a remix of “Marry the Night” and it wouldn’t feel any different. Despite showing off her connection to ‘real’ music, the purpose remains the same. The music is about how awesome Lady Gaga is. Changing the instrumentation slightly means nothing. It’s no surprise “Government Hooker” is one of her best songs since that one actually pushes her to the back.

It’s far from awful, and that’s because it’s not too serious. Lady Gaga can’t separate herself – and doesn’t really want to – from her partying and lots of sex. So “John Wayne” ends up the album highlight, where Gaga sounds like she means what she says instead of just acting. “I’m so sick of their city games/I need a real wild man” – that line jumps, because it’s sung dripping with sexuality and no attempt to impress. It’s also the song that jumps into its genre with the most conviction. I can imagine some Colt Ford dropping a rap verse there, or that girl who was in Drive-By Truckers singing it. It’s a lone moment of sincerity that makes you wonder if, perhaps, Gaga should stick to country for the sake of it.

She’s also more restrained than she should. If it’s a deliberate decision, then Gaga isn’t all hopeless. She often used her voice to prove how ‘serious’ she is – just check the atrocious piano version of “Poker Face”. Her performance here is more restrained, with acrobatics appearing sporadically. Sometimes, they even fit. “Come to Mama” and “Hey Girl” have these indulgences, but it fits the feel-good nature of these songs. If she’s happy, she should have the energy to belt out like this. A track like “Diamond Heart” would’ve been destroyed by Sia’s bullshit, but Gaga never loses track of the melody. She strains her voice just enough to show strength but stops short before the melody’s gone.

The problems with Joanne run deeper than song quality. They’re mostly okay, with only “John Wayne” and “Diamond Heart” being keepers. The problem is, it proves Lady Gaga was nothing but a buffoon with zero self-awareness. I know it’s harsh, but we’re talking about an artist trading in EDM for pseudo-Heartland Rock to show us she’s serious. Even the album title and cover reek of smugness, as if giving a person’s name and posing ‘casually’ is somehow profound. Gaga mistook style for substance, and this is the first time she wanted to have more substance than style. I can forgive her because the album isn’t the trainwreck that is Any Recent Sia Song, but some pleasant Heartland Rock by a person who cares ore about appearing ‘serious’ isn’t my idea of a good time. Lady Gaga needs John Wayne, but I need a Carly Rae Jepsen.

2 perfect illusions out of 5